


Battle #3

by hheroes



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Other, rap battle, tjeffs is a dick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-06-08
Packaged: 2018-07-12 14:55:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7110136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hheroes/pseuds/hheroes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ladies and gentlemen, the issue at hand concerns our sisters, our mothers, our daughters and our wives--<br/>Should it be legal for our women to be enfranchised?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Battle #3

**Author's Note:**

> This idea is from the post on tumblr that's like, "what if there was a Jeffs vs Schuyler rap battle about women's suffrage?"

**BURR**  
Ladies and gentlemen, the issue at hand concerns our sisters, our mothers, our daughters and our wives--  
Should it be legal for our women to be enfranchised?  
Angelica Schuyler-Church has stepped up to argue the opposing side, and given herself the very difficult task of convincing our nation's newly re-elected commander in chief.  
President Jefferson, you have the floor, sir.

 **JEFFERSON**  
Burr, I expected a little more from my vice president,  
But some of us in this room prefer to be gentlemen--  
Please, ladies first. In fact I insist.  
My dearest Ms. Schuyler will surely need the assist  
Only if you’re sure, Angelica, _then_ I’ll take the floor.

 **ANGELICA**  
Thomas?

 **JEFFERSON**  
Yes?

 **ANGELICA**  
Just go.

 **JEFFERSON**  
Oh! So I get it, you don’t want to have head start  
Fine, so be it, but don’t cry to me, sweetheart.  
This cabinet room is meant for man and man alone  
It ain’t for pretty ladies tryna write new rules in stone

The vote stays protected--in fact, it says safe  
If we keep the vote away from every man God made  
I don’t mean to be rude, please excuse me for my French  
But if some _hommes_ can’t even vote why let _femmes_ take the bench?

To put it into words you can understand:  
Don’t worry your pretty little head about voting,  
Leave it to a _man_.

 **BURR**  
As always, stay classy Mr. President;  
Now, Ms. Schuyler, your response?

 **ANGELICA**  
My dearest Thomas, my friend and humble servant  
Many motives authorize me so to you, I serve this:  
some steaming hot tea to warm your deepest trenches  
Like the gaping, empty abyss I’m fairly sure your head is.

 **JEFFERSON**  
Excuse me?

 **ANGELICA**  
You disenfranchise half the nation  
while sitting on your high horse, writing the Declaration.  
Americans may pursue ‘Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?’  
How come none of this applies if the American’s in a dress?

Let me share a secret:  
Write a damn sequel, and we’ll all pretend the Declaration was an unfinished prequel  
You can keep you elegance, your reputation and your skill  
As long as you rewrite that hypocritical trash with your quill.  
I’ll even pretend to forget how we met on the Parisian streets while you cried to me in French;  
smitten with my wit, in love with my beauty...  
But apparently too arrogant to do your presidential duty.

If it’s your pride that’s at stake, let me make myself clear:  
No one _gives a damn_ if it’s not what you wanna hear  
Your precious ego that thrives from being glorified will have to step to the side the way I’ve been told to do my whole life.  
Will your men in congress make an amendment and get it ratified--  
Or am I, a woman, doomed to never once be satisfied?  
If we leave it up to you, and a bunch of other dudes,  
At best, we’ll get a document covered in crude doodles.

 **JEFFERSON**  
Now, listen ma’am, this may be hard for you to grasp  
But women havin’ the vote just ain’t in God’s plan.  
If He wanted y’all to play politics, you’d be--

 **ANGELICA**  
In a room comparing the length of our--

 **JEFFERSON**  
_You’d be_ in the room where it happens  
Instead you’re in the kitchens or sittin’ and knittin’ napkins.  
My dearest Ms. Schuyler, let’s not make a scene  
I’d hate to be the guy that makes you cry ‘cuz I’m too mean.  
If I’m being honest, this sounds like Hamilton talking  
Even dead, that Washington’s little bastard finally set his agendas walking  
Tell me, how did he plant his little seeds for you to share?  
Was it anything like how the two of _us_ used to handle foreign affairs?

 **ANGELICA**  
This isn’t about Hamilton, let the man rest in his grave;  
and to insinuate such deeds is an act morally depraved.  
Don’t distract me from the question,  
But since you made the suggestion,  
Let’s digress so we can address your passive aggressions.  
Why is it that you can’t handle debating with a woman,  
Unless you can also drag Alex with you into ruin?  
Thomas, you’re always hammering down on Hamilton,  
Stumbling and stammering, scratching for purchase, you’re _scrambling_ \--  
You’re sweating in your high heels, trying to support your stupid ideals,  
A couple inches ain’t enough to make you sound any more genteel.

And you’ve managed to surprise me!  
Though you’re still no wiser than me--but _finally_ ,  
Since you show such interest in domestic relations,  
I assume you’re ready to bring a revelation to this nation?

 **JEFFERSON**  
Y’all still can’t vote.

 **ANGELICA**  
Poor Thomas--did I upset you?

 **JEFFERSON**  
Give me _one good reason_ why I would ever let you?

 **ANGELICA**  
So my daughters and her daughters have something to look forward to!  
Rich, male, landowners alone are bad enough,  
Plus you ruin democracy with this electoral college stuff--

 **JEFFERSON**  
My God, woman, do you have an opinion on everything?

 **ANGELICA**  
Yes, I do! I’m a human just like you!  
I can read and I can write,  
I’m a citizen by birthright.  
God gave me my mane, and He gave me my brain  
Just like He gave you--so tell me, why can’t we be treated the same?

 **JEFFERSON**  
Don’t bend the truth, Angelica, you know that’s not like you.  
Hell, I’ve no idea what to do--what’s next? Can I expect that you’ll announce running for office to the press?  
The appointment of a woman to office is an innovation for which the public is not prepared, nor I--  
And I’ll be dead in my grave before I let y’all be enfranchised.

 **ANGELICA**  
Don’t tempt me, Thomas,  
And I’m being completely honest--  
You men think you rule the world, you write the rules we follow  
But without women in this life this planet would be hollow.  
Our bodies birth nations, and our minds deserve recognition!  
Really, common sense and pain are my preferred choice of ammunition.

 **JEFFERSON**  
God, again with the whining, and again with the opining!  
Angelica, woman, go home with your man; enjoy a little wine and dinin’.  
In a thousand years, maybe you’ll finally convince someone with your yowling  
But for now, God, please spare me all your howling.  
Please, go on, about how men oppress you,  
How we silence and suppress you  
As you beg us to undress you?  
It’s a miracle that at this age, you’re not a spinster!  
Why don’t you _unclench_ and go home to your mister?

 **ANGELICA**  
You think he controls my head?

 **JEFFERSON**  
I think he ought to.  
In fact, I think it’d be morally wrong for him _not_ to.  
If we let women vote, can you guess the result?  
Y'all would really just vote for whoever your husband wants.

 **ANGELICA**  
You’re a damn fool, Thomas. And, _pardon my French_ ,  
But take your pretentious, ostentatious unadulterated crass  
and do us all a favor by shoving it up your--

 **BURR**  
_Last_ point, Ms. Schuyler. You’re getting carried away.  
I’ll adjourn this whole meeting if you don’t hurry up and say what you want to say.

 **ANGELICA**  
Men write the laws, they wrote the Constitution,  
They write what _they_ think should be the structure of our institution,  
Then the vote on what they wrote, based off their richass quotas,  
And stick out their chests and _gloat_ about their sexist anecdotes.  
The only thing more salient than the hair upon your head  
Is your glaring tendency to ignore _everything_ a woman’s ever said.  
A million years ago, I told Alex that he must try and compromise  
But now standing before you, I’ve come to realize:  
All I want is to walk away from this completely satisfied.  
You’re a lover of science, but I’m surprised by your reliance on shortsighted, high and tight, hoity-toity haughtiness--  
Your lack of respect and your lack of disposition  
It makes me think your under-qualified to handle your position.  
Ask any brother, black or white or other,  
Men learn almost all they know from the minds of their mothers  
And if your mind is so sharpened from a womanly force,  
Why not skip the middleman, and take it directly from the source?

 **BURR**  
Thank you, Ms. Schuyler. Mr. President?

 **JEFFERSON**  
It’s cute that you think voting is something you can do.  
It’s clear to me that Hamilton rubbed off on you.  
But why not avoid all that stress and that strife?  
And tell me--what’s it like being the sister of his wife?

 **ANGELICA**  
I love her more than anything in this life  
And let me tell _you_ :  
She wants the vote almost as much as I do.

 **JEFFERSON**  
Is that true?

 **ANGELICA**  
I have no reason to lie--I'm not _you_.

 **BURR**  
That's enough; this is meeting is officially adjourned! Mr. President, we have other matters to attend to.  
One last thing, Ms. Schuyler?

 **ANGELICA**  
Vice President Burr, sir?

 **BURR**  
Talk less.

 **ANGELICA**  
God, no.

 **BURR**  
If you ever intend to sway Thomas, I think you should reassess.

 **ANGELICA**  
Worry for yourself, Burr, I can handle my own.  
Though I should warn you--and I'm sure you won't condone this.  
I intend to rile Thomas up again.  
I can’t wait to see the look on his face when I tell him voting’s not just for _white_ women.

**Author's Note:**

> -Takes place in 1804 (after Ham's death) in some AU where Angelica addresses President Jefferson and VP Burr face-to-face in a cabinet battle type setting. If Lin is allowed to have an artistic license with history, so am I.  
> -For the history nerds out there, some lines were plucked out of letters from Jefferson to Angelica, and he always ended his letters with “your friend and humble servant.”  
> -I can’t take credit for the line about foreign affairs; that came from Lin when he tweeted about deleted lyrics.  
> -Angelica and Thomas totally met in France, thru a mutual friend named Maria Cosway. Thomas was hella into her; I operate under the assumption that Angelica was using him for his decked out library.  
> -The line that's like "Now listen ma'am...but women havin the vote just ain't in God's plan." comes from  here!   
> -Thomas baiting Angelica into confessing if she did the diddly with Ham comes from the fact that a lot of sources I’ve found really can’t decide if they had an affair or not. Most people assume they never actually got physical; others thinks Eliza just turned the other cheek bc she loved Angelica so much she didn’t get mad. Thomas is just a piece o' shit that loves gossip and baiting people.  
> -Also, this whole thing is sort of homage to the cut song Congratulations, some lyrics are directly borrowed from that song.
> 
> (I made more dick jokes than I ever intended to, so I sort of regret that, but nothing else!)
> 
> hit me up on [ tumblr! ](http://hheroes.tumblr.com/)


End file.
